Sexual Awakening for the 21st Century

Typical Scenarios of Sex:

1. A teen-ager slides his hand under his date's blouse. She tenses, afraid
to stop him, afraid to let him go on.

2. A wife leans forward in bed to turn off the late night news. She leans
back and waits. Numb with habit, bored by repetition, she and her husband
silently "make love:.

3. A 28 year old woman, feeling uncomfortable, looks across the restaurant
table at her date. He has just asked her to go to bed with him, not
because he wants to but because he feels it is socially expected of him.
She has just agreed, not because she wants to but because she feels it is
socially expected of her.

4. Two college students finish studying for the evening. They strip off
their clothes; she lies back on the couch. Without any significant
foreplay or even a word of affection, he puts his penis inside of her.

SOMETHING IS WRONG!

Two Main Problems:

1. Though the Victorian age ended over a hundred years ago, its message of
shame and guilt about sex is passed on from generation to generation.

2. People make sex too performance-oriented. They try to rush to bed, and
rush to intercourse. They compete with their peers about the number of
partners they have had and the number of orgasms they can achieve in one
night. People are longing for intimacy and affection, but are finding
empty, lonely, unfulfilling sex.

In my practice, I see a gap between people's expectations about sex and
their own experiences. So what is missing? How can you bridge the gap?

People today need to appreciate (what I call) "Sexual Awakening"; they
need to appreciate romance, courtship, seduction, intimacy, affection,
communication, friendship, dignity, love, and respect.

The Woman's Movement has helped women in many ways, including giving
women higher self-esteem and helping them become more assertive.

Yet in the bedroom, they are still often inhibited and shy, still
believing sexual myths.

And men, while they are glad to not always initiate sex, are now confused.
Their old "macho" role has been discredited. But they still focus on
performance - rushing to bed and rushing to intercourse, thinking that is
the only goal of making love.

Without a man's movement to teach them sensitivity and tenderness,
men don't know what is expected of them.

Some men feel threatened by the "new woman", who expresses anger
and disappointment towards them, when it is empathy that men need.


 What I see today is sex without intimacy, sex without pleasure. People
are trapped in destructive, repetitive habits, doing things they don't
want to do, uncertain and afraid to try things they would like to do - men
needing to know more about the sexuality of women, and women needing to
know more about the sexuality of men.

I propose for today's society, and for all cultures, a "Sexual Awakening",
where we turn away from both the Victorian shame and guilt and
the insensitive performance style of sex.


SEXUAL AWAKENING:

• Sexual awakening is leaving un-resolved conflicts outside the bedroom
   

• Sexual awakening is being able to talk and listen and laugh sexually, to
  share dreams and fantasies. It's being able to share successes and fears, and asking for what you want, without the fear of being judged.
   

• Sexual awakening is taking the risk of being vulnerable.
   

• Sexual awakening is knowing how to create friendship and intimacy. And
  it is knowing how to deal with sexual challenges.
   

• Sexual awakening is appreciating that sex isn't always skyrockets at
  night; it's also playful, wild, kinky, fun, experimental, and sometimes
  uncertain.
   

Sexual awakening is freedom from anxiety and freedom from pressures of performance.

THREE-STAGE MODEL OF SEXUAL AWAKENING:

1. Unlearn and resolve the anxieties that may be acting as a barrier
between you and your partner.

2. Learn and develop sexual strengths, skills and techniques. Explore your
sexuality.

3. Communicate and share what you have learnt with your partner, and
listen to stories about your partner's sexual growth. Experiment with your
partner. Try new things, knowing that you will not be judged. This would
lead to an intense level of intimacy.

I believe it's time to awaken from our sexual coma, and celebrate the full
potential of our sexuality.