My question is a very important question which I do hope I can get an answer with some medical facts to back it up. Me and my fiancé have been having a very difficult time having sex. I cannot stay hard. I can masturbate and get full erections and can even have sex with other people without any problems.
She has never had a guy not be able to stay hard and orgasm. So we both went to the doctor and got checked out. Everything with both of us is perfect. No diabetes or any other health concerns.
We did some research on the Internet and found some reasons why I can’t stay hard or orgasm when we have sex. First, is she is too wet and therefore we don’t create much friction. Well, we tired some things and that doesn’t seem to be the problem. The other is the size of her vagina, or how strong her vagina is. She does the Kegil exercises but I am wondering if a woman’s vagina can just be big enough to where my average size penis will not feel enough to maintain an erection. Could she really be big and I be too small? If this is true, what are some legitimate ways to fix the problem? I have seen some things about surgery to make a woman’s vagina tighter. I really appreciate your time reading this and await your reply. Thanks.
Dr. Faizal’s Answer:
It appears that your concern is not physical or medical, but more a symptom of a psychological and/or relational state. First of all, to allay one of your concerns, you cannot be too “small” or your fiancée’s vagina cannot be too “big” for you both to have intercourse. The vagina is a wonderful anatomical structure which, when penetrated, closes down on the penis, adjusting to its size and circumference. There should be adequate friction for you to maintain an erection to orgasm.
In cases like the one you shared, there is usually a deeper, sometimes unconscious, reason for the presented issue. You say that you “can even have sex with other people” without problems arising. Do you mean that you, while having a fiancée are having sex with other people? If so, what does this say about your love and commitment towards the woman you wish to marry? Which brings me to my next point: are you having second thoughts about your upcoming marriage? Sometimes the body is a thermometer for psychological duress.
In other words, if you are having second thoughts, this could be making you feel guilty, and this guilt could manifest itself in erectile issues. I would strongly suggest that you have an open, honest dialogue with your fiancée about your feelings about her, the wedding, and your relationship in general. Doing so may comfort you and give you back the sexual confidence you strive for.
Dear Dr. Faizal,
I am 20 and I have problems getting an erection or maintaining one. Even when I masturbate I don’t always get a full erection. I do wake up with a fully hard erection though. I understand this could possibly be psychological and I’ve read the responses relating to achieving a comfort zone but that doesn’t really help me. Should I go see a sex therapist?
Dr. Faizal’s Answer:
Since you wake up with a full erection, your concern is probably not physiological. Therefore, your issue I would venture to say is psychological, probably as a result of anxiety, possibly mitigated by feelings of guilt. Sometimes when authority figures (i.e., the church, parents, etc.) lecture against premarital sex, masturbation, sexual fantasies, and so on, an individual, upon breaking such “laws”, develops feelings of guilt associated with (performance) anxiety, which obstructs the proper functioning of one’s sexual response cycle. In other words, by feeling guilty about your sexuality, or wanting to perform better, you are stopping yourself from having a full erection.
Try to relax and non-judgmentally enjoy the physical feelings associated with self-pleasuring; the erection will appear by itself. If feelings of guilt persist, find yourself a good sex therapist to work with.